Wednesday, September 24, 2008

running behind.

I'm seeing how more and more how God really uses this marathon training time to speak to me. And it makes sense too because it's out of my comfort zone, it's painful, I rely solely on Him to get me through each workout, and I'm stuck inside my head with either "This sucks, I hate this, I'm giving up" or "God thank you for the glorious sunrise this morning, thank you for my health, thank you for strength in You..." and in this time, it's becoming easier and easier to cling to and praise Him as my first and natural reaction.

In hills training, I'm pretty much the slowest one in the group and it's tough for me because I am so terribly competitive. This morning was a bit more difficult for me than usual (and I found out later why) but when running up and down the hills, as fast and strong as I feel like I've gotten in the last couple months, I still wasn't faster than the girl in front of me. You should have heard the conversation in my head, beating myself up, even imagining the conversation I'd have with my coach explainging why I quit and couldn't train anymore. My head cleared and I realized on how many levels we do this, comparing ourselves. God was speaking again.

In Christian life, do you ever tend to feel not as spiritual as the next gal? That you can't pray outloud in a group as impressively or beautifully as others? That you can't quote scripture or speak blessing as spiritually as your friends? That you aren't as secure in your walk as someone else? Or maybe you feel that your life isn't as clean and pure as someone you imagine never drinks, swears, or talks crap about others? I feel that way all the time.

Or what about finances and organization of LIFE? In everything from going to bed early and eating well to getting regular car washes and checking your bank statement daily, I compare myself to everyone around me. I feel really behind sometimes, as though I'm not maintaining my role as a woman leading the charge on perfect Christian life. What are the things you compare yourself to? Who are the people?

"Girl, it's just you and me" is what He spoke so peacefully. I felt the words blow in on a beautiful breeze from down the bayou. It's so important to surround yourself around people who inspire and motivate you, but when you start crossing the line into comparing yourself to the point you start knocking and tearing away at your own self-esteem and self-worth, it's time to re-evaluate. Hello, control freak!!

So, it's just you and Him at the pace and in the race only He can determine and guide. Let Him be the one who determines your worth as a mother, as a woman, as a marathon runner...

And when I let it go this morning, let Him be the determiner of my worth and speed, I think I even started to run a bit faster.

1 comment:

Angela said...

Powerful words Liz. You basically summed up how I've been feeling lately. Thanks for pouring your heart out on your blog. I am amazed at how many similar interests we have; from photography, writing, and enjoying good food to being completely addicted to Target and playing around on Etsy and Flickr...you are a doll. I love your afternoon show and your blog is super. Keep up the great work....