Tuesday, September 21, 2010

elements of fall.

I tend to be most inspired to write, move, shift, be, dress, dance, and embrace life in my beloved annual fall season. When the feeling in the air points to summer bidding farewell, this motivated warmth begins to stir within me... and yet every year is more beautifully unique than the last, reminding me to brace myself for some refreshing unknown changes to come. Ironic that fall is the season for change? Whatever, I'm trying to be poetic here.

This morning it happened. It's not something the farmer's alamanac tells me (I never read it anyway) or that I see on my calendar, it's simply the elements around me and the way nature, God, and life whisper "It's here. Fall is here."

Last year, this is how it happened. In 2008, it happened like this. And oh yes, it happened in 2007 too.

It seems every fall the shift I notice occurs with Kenai's spirit coming alive in a new way, the winds of change blowing through Houston, or a change in the weather experienced from my front porch. And while all these elements are legit, I believe there's something stirring from within me, peacefully alerting me to get ready for the changes God has coming. Looking back over those blog posts and even the ones to follow, I realize I had no idea the major changes that were to come but that God, His voice riding in on the winds of the season, was preparing me.

Last Sunday morning, I woke up feeling completely overwhelmed, somehow feeling anxiously lost and aimless. I think some little feelings I hadn't dealt with due to our busy work schedule had finally surfaced and caught up to me. I felt like I just needed to refocus and take a breather. I told DK I needed some alone time and with a heavy heart he left for church without me. Alone with the dogs, I turned my music up loud. I made the bed, I straightened up the couch cushions and did a lot of sitting still. After awhile, I grabbed the keys to our scooter and headed out across town. (Fresh air does wonders and is so underestimated as a healing agent.) I ended up grabbing a sandwich and going to see a movie. Once the movie let out, I noticed the rain had come down pretty hard but had let up enough for me to scooter home to safety. I was feeling pretty adventurous, kinda shivering but loving the cool air, even laughed and yelled "YAAAAAAY!!" at the top of my lungs a few times. Feeling more myself by the minute.

Headed towards downtown on Richmond, I passed under a bridge when I felt my scooter putter. Then it started sputtering enough to worry me into pulling off the road. And then she died. I tried kickstarting to no avail, thought about calling DK but knew the only solution was to start pushing anyway, so I started my long trek home. And I pushed all the way down main street, losing count of the homeless guys I passed asking if I'd run out of gas. "Nope, must be the rain!" I must've looked miserable and like I could beat someone up if messed with once more because by the time I reached the south end of downtown, no one asked me about anything. I pushed all the way to a deserted block near a huge empty parking lot when the rain clouds decided to open up and pour out on me and my already frustrating circumstance. There I was in the pouring rain, sitting on my scooter under a tree, completely and desperately alone, feeling more lost than when I'd woken up this morning and I just began to cry.

I sobbed and sobbed hard. I wailed out loud. Looking up through my tree branches and rain to the skyline, I felt so small. The falling rain and rumbling thunder drowned out my blubbering cries which allowed me to cry harder from the depth of my heart, my gut and everything else. I haven't cried that hard in ages. I cried out all the aimlessness, the ache in my wandering soul, and all the questioning for direction. And then, just like the cleansing rain, my tears lightened up and stopped. The weight on my shoulders was gone and I felt like I could breathe again. And then I called DK.

As I fell into his arms, I felt as though I didn't have to explain a thing, that he just knew. At home, he had fresh lilies in a vase waiting for me and let me rest till I was ready to talk. I just soaked up the peace and stillness he brings to our home. Finally after dinner, we had this incredible discussion about our future, about dreams, tangible goals and how to attain them, we talked more about financial goals, and about how to gain some ground relationally we felt we'd lost in the last couple months of being busy with work. I realized God had clearly been moving DK toward this discussion as well. We decided we need to finally get new bikes too because it was how we spent a lot of our time falling in love until they were stolen at the Sara Bareilles concert in 2008. It was the most decisive and intentional exchange we'd had since the day he asked me to marry him.

To think it gets better from here just blows my mind.

I tell you all this because I'm excited about the ways I'm learning how as a woman of God, we have to be so patient with the info we come across, sometimes before our husbands do. Our nature leads us to act now or never, to inform of needed change immediately, to nag, remind, update, question and worry. This whole "waiting on God to move me instead of me deciding when to decide" as a wife is uncharted territory but with practice and patience and amazing girlfriends who I'm learning so much from, it's an overwhelmingly refreshing feeling of satisfaction and peace on the other end of each successful exchange.

To believe God is working on us both in His own timing yet somehow using us as one unit, is to choose God's will and best for our marriage.

This morning I was chatting online with my mom when I looked behind me to see Orson gazing out the window as the morning rain fell and it struck me. The season has changed again, officially. He definitely used weather and a dog to remind me again this year, but more than that He's using an amazing man and the details of the life He has in store for us to remind me further that He's not left me... that I am not aimless and without direction. I love fall, this season of change.
Love love,


The Stallings said...

Great post Liz. Just last week, God did the same for me. Renewed me and gave me back my sense of purpose, even in my current struggle. It is so good to be reminded of how much God loves us and cares for us. I feel amazed!

stacyaluthi said...

W.O.W. I loved this post on so many different levels. That my dear is an awesome story. You have a way with words! I was so drawn in!

Thanks for the encouragement.

Fall always brings a warmth feeling in my life! Hope your season is full of Milk and Honey!

Natalie said...

Thank you once again for allowing yourself to be so transparent and in doing so encouraging so many others! Love & hugs!

~Misty said...

Wow! I have so many things going on with work, the wedding, personal stuff, etc. God's timing on how it all happens is definitely best but not always the easiest. Love how you translate what you are thinking into words on "paper" for us to read.

By the way, love the new layout. How did you do this? Have a great day!

Keri said...

Very nicely done......every bit of it. Thank you for sharing your heart! We can all learn from it whether we are old married folk or still looking for that one. I love your honestly and I love how hard you look for truth in everything you do! I so, so, so miss hearing your voice.